Dreams are (just) dreams.

I am definitely out of confidence right now.

I decided to download a few concert videos of the artists I like (and like singing). I tried imagining myself singing those songs, on stage, with a band; singing so effortlessly, so flawlessly, so full of emotions.

Then I try them songs out, and even try to record my singing on my laptop. If you like recording your singing on your laptop or computer because people keep saying you’re good when they hear you sing, one of the worst things you can do to yourself is to listen to your own singing.

And I did listen to it. Turns out, I suck. I guess I’m being too critical of myself. But no.

I went to a band practice last night, for my org’s ball. I only had a few parts for most of the songs, although I’m doing a full one too. And know what? I sucked. I sucked like I sucked when I sang a karaoke song for the first time, sucked like how I think I suck, sucked like I haven’t sung anything my entire damned life. And it did felt like I was singing for the first time; I didn’t own the voice, the control, the pitch, the notes. The notes. 

Now I can’t imagine myself going onstage next week without thinking, “I can’t sing these songs”, “I’ll fail to reach these notes”, “People won’t like my singing”, “My last few songs, and I won’t deliver”, etc. etc. I’ve never had those thoughts before, no. I used to think that I can do it, that I can impress them, show them how it’s supposed to be done. I used to think that I can still improve, be able to surpass the level I was at during that time.

Now, nothing. I can’t stand the sound of my own singing. I am currently not enjoying singing. I keep thinking about those videos I recently watched, and the artists who sing so well, so well, and how I can never be like them.

Dreams are dreams. When one wakes up, he immediately forgets about it. Maybe I should do the same to mine, too.

-DD.

P.S. I need help.